How am I? I'm shitacular...

Things are pretty bad.

I have been consistently 2 weeks late with the rent (no way to catch up), and I'm two months behind on the high-speed internet bill and PSE&G (gas and electric). Again, no way to catch up. I've felt like I was drowning for some time (for the last four years), and it looks like I really am now. Time Warner Cable turned off the Internet, until I called and scraped together $52.90 to turn it back on.

Went to Chase last week and liquidated my IRA. The $3,700 was the pension I had with MTV. Lost about $1,200 of it in penalties and taxes. The whole thing broke my heart, because it won't even pay Capital One off. Those fuckers said they were working with me during the last three months. The deal was, I'd pay them $37 February, March & April and they'd "re-age" the account; they'd remove the late fees and the 24.9% interest rate and bring it back to where it was before I got in trouble. But I get a paper bill from them this month, and there's a fucking late charge on it! I'M NOT LATE. These fuckers are ridiculous. And of course I'm trying to get a hold of them on the phone and I can't. And the interest rate is 17.9% AND the minimum payment is still $456. Sigh. What the fucking fuck.

I was so sad after liquidating my IRA. I'm gonna be 41 and I am penniless. This is not even a joke nor an exaggeration. It's devastating to me. There's no more money squirreled away anywhere. I don't even have a savings account. I had to close that too because I hardly had anything in it and it would have cost me to keep it open.

This all threw me into a downward spiral again. I thought about calling out of work because I felt like I just couldn't cope with a bunch of rich, self-involved, demanding tourists. But of course I can't fuck up my job. Even though I have sick time/pay, it felt like it might be worse to stay home alone with my thoughts. It's not good when I am alone with my thoughts. Quite honestly, when given the opportunity to think, all I can do is plot how I can fix it so I don't wake up anymore. But then I chicken out.

So when you ask me how I am, there's the stock answer and the real answer.